You just sat down on your not-so-comfortable chair and logged into your favorite online dating site. The first thing you noticed is the only message in your inbox is a welcome message.
So you decided to do a search on new members that have recently joined the site with in the last 7 days. Surfing through the personal ads, you find a profile that really stands out from the rest. Guess what, she's also online. As you move your mouse over the "email me" icon, you suddenly feel the sensations. You start to sweat and your mouth gets dry. Your heart is pounding and you find yourself lost for words. So you decide to just add her to your hot list and maybe you'll contact her later once you have something interesting to say.
It's a little bit of over dramatization, but it is not a far stretch from the truth. Approaching someone for the first time, on or off-line, can be nerve racking. But it is something you must overcome, because finding a match requires you to keep making the effort and taking the chances.
There are many singles who fall into this trap of putting off an introduction because they fear the outcome. If you are one of them, learning how to deal with rejection can dramatically improve your online dating success and enjoyment. It will be worth your while to read this article by Dr. Dennis W. Neder about overcoming rejections and handling objections. He's the author of 5 relationship books and runs a personal coaching service for anyone who needs help in relationship building.
Overcoming Rejection and Handling Objections
By Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Those of you that have read my articles know that I talk a lot about selling skills. That's because I view dating much like selling. For example:
|Selling and Marketing ||Dating|
|Marketing plan||Dating plan|
|Prospecting||Finding and meeting someone|
|"Cold call"||Approaching someone for the first time|
|"Warm call"||Setting up a date referred by a friend|
|The "pitch"||Establishing connection|
|The "close"||Getting a number, getting a date, etc.|
|The "follow-up"||Moving on to the next step|
Over the years, I have trained hundreds of salespeople and know that everyone can sell. As well, I've worked with many, many people and know that everyone can be successful at dating. By looking at dating this way, you begin to see that it really isn't just hit and miss – there really are rules that work for anyone.
One of the most important elements of selling is handling objections. This doesn't mean that you can convince someone of something – that isn't what selling is all about! Dating isn't either. You can't really convince anyone to date you, to establish a relationship with you, to sleep with you, etc. What you can do is to make it worthwhile for this person to make the decision on their own.
When you're dating someone, the best advice is to always consider how hard you want to work. If you've found the "immovable object" – that person that just won't budge, why continue to pound on him or her? It's by far easier to just move on and find someone that "wants to buy what you're selling".
On the other hand, there are some things you can do to help get your "prospect" off the fence. In fact, with many people, (particularly women), you sometimes have to put some work in. Again, keep in mind that you shouldn't work too hard – if someone expects that much, you're "return" isn't usually going to be worth it.
Let's examine some common objections and how to handle them.
Everyone has the same 168 hours a week. And, whether you use them or not, they're gone. Because of this, many people believe that they are really busy. To them, they may be, but to others it may have just been a wasted of 168 hours. This is a often a matter of interpretation.
I know people that really get things done, and I know people who waste a tremendous amount of time. Every one of them thinks that they are busy. But, consider this; if you want something – really want it – you make time for it. If someone tells you they don't have time to date you time really isn't the issue, it's interest.
You may need to do some more selling. Suggest that if they knew you better, they'd feel that the hour or two spent with you was really worthwhile.
Objection: They don't "see" you that way or you're a "friend"
This is a killer. If you've slipped into the "friend" category, you've got an up-hill battle on your hands. First, you've got to change that idea in the person's head – especially with women. Women organize men into two categories – boyfriend material and everyone else.
If you're the "friend" you can say that you want to use your closeness and understanding of her/him as the cornerstone of your relationship. Say that your friendship is ready to move to the next level and that he or she may not see you that way yet, but they will. Then, set a date to take the out – but make it a date, not just two friends getting together! Do all the things you'd do if you were taking out a new person. This "new" person however is one that you already have history with. Don't let this history prevent you from doing the "date things" that you'd normally do with someone new.
You may find that your "target" is reluctant to set the initial date. Again, this may be difficult to get past, but it is not insurmountable. Remind him or her that they've been comfortable being with you on other occasions and this one will be just as comfortable. After all, you're just trying to see if you work as a couple or not.
Objection: They're seeing someone else
The person may be in a committed relationship, but even this can be dealt with. You might want to interject some humor. Try saying this: "So what – are you some kind of fanatic or something?" Once you've established some ease between you two, go the next step and say, "I understand that you're seeing other people right now, so am I. I just think that we MAY have a spark we should explore."
Keep it light and simple, and remember, it's usually easier to steal someone else's boy- or girlfriend than it is to keep one!
Objection: They can't afford to take you out
Objections involving money – like time – are never to real objection. That is, there is something else you need to find. This is a question of "value". For example, if I could absolutely guarantee you a 50% return on your money, (and you absolutely believed me), how much would you invest? Would you take out a second mortgage on your home? Would you borrow every single penny from your friends and family that you could? Of course you would!
The problem here is that the person doesn't see the value in taking you out. Thus, you can eliminate this problem by going on the "zero-cost date". For examples of free and inexpensive dates, check this some of Dr. Neder's recent articles. (More articles can be found on this site, or on Dr. Neder's site listed at the bottom of this article.)
If you're still getting resistance setting a date, you need to look at other reasons.
Objection: They're afraid of you
Why are they afraid of you? Because they've been hurt before? Because you remind them of the person that killed their parents? What exactly does this mean?
This objection, like the one above isn't really about fear, it's about belief. You need to find out why they don't believe you're intentions are good. Here, you want to address their fears by showing them that you're a reasonable, "safe" person and give them the appearance of a way out.
Objection: Not interested or you're not their "type"
The real question is WHY aren't they interested? Could it be that you've just downed two garlic cloves and a pint of vinegar? Have you spent the entire evening making an ass of yourself?
You want to show this person why you're unique. That doesn't mean that you can stand on your head for 30 minutes at a stretch while finishing off a six-pack. It means that you aren't just "one of the boys/girls". Of course that also means that you meet their "dating expectations". Look around you and see the type of people they are with. Then, show this person why you're just like them, only better.
Objection: No response or they don't call
Too many people fear confrontation. Combine this with poor manners (brought on by poor parenting – you may want to contact this person's mother to find out why!), and you've got a no-response type of person. If you don't get a returned call you should probably move on, happy that you didn't waste another moment with a rude jerk.
If, on the other hand you're the adventurous type, you can try this. Call the person up, but don't leave messages on their answering machine or voice mail. Wait for the person to answer. Then, explain that you know that they're busy and wanted to make it easier by suggesting a time and place to meet. Then, have them open their calendars and write it in. If they "forget" again, you know it's not about being busy – they just lack social skills.
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? Dr. Neder answers all mail. You can write to me at email@example.com for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com.
This article is Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder. All rights reserved.
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